


Trust

by babydykecate



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Episode: s16e10 Forgiving Rollins, F/F, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Recovery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-18
Updated: 2016-03-18
Packaged: 2018-05-27 10:47:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6281554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babydykecate/pseuds/babydykecate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trust was an elusive, fleeting thing in Olivia and Amanda’s rocky partnership. Amanda’s past spills into the present, affecting her work. Can they ever move forward and build trust, as friends, or even something more?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Sexual Assault, PTSD  
> Spoilers: “Educated Guess” s13e08, “Internal Affairs” s15e03, “Forgiving Rollins” s16e10, & “Star-Struck Victims” s17e16.  
> Disclaimer: I do not own Law & Order: SVU. No profit made, no infringement intended.

Post Episode - “Internal Affairs” s15e03

\---

She was a great actress alright, the problem was, her acting was method. Sweet 16 with rum and cokes was how she first picked up gambling, but that wasn't the only trouble she got in. The football jocks were just as handsy as they were bad at poker. At the time it just seemed like the cost of drinking around horny teenage boys.

She tries to remind herself that it's just Cassidy on top of her, that they're both just acting and he's got her back. Reality is no match for flashbacks. By the time it's over, she needs out of that damn room, needs to see the sky and feel the wind. Anything to help her remember she's not in that closet.

Amanda manages to shrug it off and fake it when Fin and Cragen join her. She's not a rookie at that part. When Olivia comes, she's focused on finding Cassidy, but she still pauses as she looks at Amanda. Benson's always been a great detective.

It's later, after they've got Cassidy and made the arrest, that Amanda darts into the restroom, and Olivia follows. Amanda is leaning over the sink, the cold water she splashed on her face trickling down into her neck. Olivia waits by the wall, giving Amanda space, silence, and time for the words to come.

"It's okay," Olivia finally says, soft and knowing.

"This is stupid. Why the hell are you the one comforting me? I'm a big girl who went undercover and came out just fine. I don't have anything to complain about," Amanda says, more to herself than to Olivia.

"Pain isn't a competition," Olivia replies gently.

Amanda chuckles, sadness in her eyes.

"Feelings are just feelings, you don't have to earn them. You get to be scared, you get to be angry," Olivia continues.

"I hate it," Amanda finally admits. "How they used their power, their shield to do those awful things."

Olivia nods.

"People put their trust in us, they trust us to protect them. If we break that trust-," Amanda pauses, unable to continue.

"It's a violation of everything we're taught to believe," Olivia finishes for her.

For a moment there's silence, as Amanda tries to pull herself together.

"We'll get them, right?" She finally asks.

"We will," Olivia reassures her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set during episode "Star-Struck Victims", s17e16.

They were going to get away with it. Guys like them never went to jail. Ever since Patton, she’d been keeping a list of every smug asshole who never faced a trial, or plead to a lesser crime. The list was getting long, each name a heavy weight on her chest, making breathing almost impossible.

She wasn’t going to add two more names, not when she knew without a doubt they were guilty. So she called the nanny to tell her she was working late. She found the dress and heels from the last sting they’d done at a bar, and fixed her make-up in the squad bathroom. She smiled big when one of the guys working the desk asked if she had a hot date.

“You know it!” she retorted, slipping out the door and into the night. 

————————

It was easy to get them to notice her, to buy her drinks. Her honey trap was sweet Georgia brown molasses, so sweet you’d never realize you were stuck. She played them perfectly, and soon she had them. And they had her. Their hands all over her, a blur of grabbing, groping, grinding… for a moment she was lost, forgetting whose hands were really on her. It was her trap, but she was the one tasting fear. 

Then she heard it, “You know you want this.” A moment later her knee had slammed into Panko, and she had D'Amico pinned against the wall.

It was a short victory- Dodds showed up, and the whole thing went south. Not that she was going to apologize for a minute of it. They were guilty, end of story in her book.

————————

The video was tough to watch. Part of her brain was absolutely horrified to watch the assault through Amanda’s body cam, but of course the other part of her brain was fucking pissed at Amanda’s irresponsibility. The sergeant part of her brain won out- there was no place for concerned friend (not that she could even really call them friends). Amanda had gone off half-cocked- again- and here she was to clean up the mess. God forbid they actually work as a squad, that Amanda might actually run anything by her instead of acting like a lone ranger.

———————

The leaked video was the final straw. Rollins had broken her trust for the last time. She wasn’t going to put with her antics, her caviler disregard for the rules. She had tried, God knows she had tried to get through to Rollins. Sure it had been a little delayed- at first she hadn’t been keen to accept a new partner (because how could anyone replace El?). But she had tried reaching out, only to be shot down by Rollins' numerous defenses. She’d tried to be friendly, tried to have patience when Amanda screwed up time and time again (and she wasn’t known for her patience). 

She was done. Rollins had made her bed, and she was going to face the consequences. 

————————

Even though she hadn’t leaked the video, even though she wasn’t about to apologize for exposing two rapists, Rollins knew she’d screwed up. Lord knows she’d never admit it, but she hated getting chewed out by Benson.

This woman- she’d spent half her adult career idolizing her, only to end up a failure in her eyes. She desperately wanted her approval, but she didn’t have the slightest clue how to get it, and even if she did, she was sure she was far too stubborn to actually do whatever needed to be done.

So instead she sat in the dark, her baby girl finally asleep after 3 hours of almost non-stop crying. She was lying to Benson, just not how Benson thought. Only Barba knew what really happened with Patton, and as much as she occasionally wished she could spill her guts to Olivia, she didn’t see that changing real soon.


	3. Chapter 3

She’d been a tightly wound ball of yarn, and ever since Patton’s trial, she’d been unraveling. For years she’d kept her grip, pretending nothing happened. It was harder to pretend once she found out about Det. Taymor, once she’d actually said the words aloud to Barba.

“Raped.” The word was awful, sliding out of her throat like slimy black ink. It came up from the depths of rage, raw and unexplored. She had not dared to tread beneath, afraid of what she might find, and yet that word had escaped, and with it came the darkness. It swirled around her, a cloud of poisonous gas that infected every part of her life. She could not eat, sleep, nor work without it there, hanging over her, sickening her.

The pregnancy had been a welcome distraction, and for a time she hoped that she could escape the darkness with the blanketing of pink, from tiny shoes to baby monitors. Instead she found herself alone with a screaming baby at 3am, feeling more frayed than ever. 

————————

She was dead tired, sleepless nights blending into one another until she couldn’t remember the last time she’d slept for more than a couple hours in a row. She could feel her eyelids growing heavy as she reread her paperwork. She prayed that she hadn’t made any errors, as she was far too tired to process the information, and she really couldn’t take another strike against her in Benson’s eyes.

“Amanda, can you come to my office please,” Benson’s voice cut through the hum of the office noises, startling her awake.

“Be there in a moment, Sarg,” she replied, getting up to file the paperwork.

Olivia was clearly focused on her own paperwork when Amanda entered, and she cleared her throat to let the sergeant know she’d arrived. Olivia looked up, smiling slightly.

“Amanda, please take a seat,” Olivia said, gesturing to the chair in front of her desk.

Amanda perched on the edge, her muscles on standby to make a quick exit.

“I wanted to apologize to you, Amanda,” Olivia began, trying to meet Amanda’s eyes. “I made an assumption of guilt that was clearly unwarranted, and while I am still unhappy about your choice to go undercover without informing me, I was wrong to accuse you of leaking the video.”

Amanda was taken off guard by the apology, but did her best to cover her surprise. 

“Yeah, well consider it forgotten,” Amanda replied with a shrug, before rising to leave.

“Amanda, do you mind if I ask you a question?” Olivia interrupted her exit.

Amanda turned back, her brow furrowed. “What?” she asked, trying in vain to keep her frustration and exhaustion from her voice.

“Why do you insist on going off on your own, instead of communicating with me? When you break all the rules, you only make it harder for us to make our cases,” Olivia asked, trying find a balance between authoritative and understanding.

“The rules allow rapists to go free,” Amanda retorted, her voice slightly raised.

“This is the job, Amanda. We can only use to the tools we have available,” Olivia replied with a sigh.

“Bullshit, Olivia. We can do more, if we choose to. You know how hard it is to get a case Barba is willing to try, more or less actually get a jury to convict. At every step of the way we try to discredit the victim, we break her down and tear her apart and if she can endure that- then, and only then do we let it go to trial,” Amanda snapped.

“I think you need to check yourself, Detective. This is the job you were hired to do, and if you no longer feel you can perform it within the law, then you need to transfer to a different unit,” Olivia said evenly.

“I’m really feeling the support here, Sarg. Is that the kind of compassion you give our vics?” Amanda retorted, her anger now speaking for her.

“Amanda you are way out of line. What the hell has gotten into you? You were a great cop when you first came here, but now you aren’t even thinking like a cop, more or less a good one,” Olivia snapped.

“You want to know what happened? Patton showed up, and I get to find out he raped someone else, and I let it happen! That’s right, he didn’t just sexually harass me like I told you. No, he raped me, and because I was too afraid to say anything, Detective Taymor ended getting raped too. So what the hell do you expect me to do, Olivia? Actually have faith in this system, after I’ve watched so many women go without justice? They will always get away with it, unless we are willing to fight dirty. I am willing to go down for that, to lose my badge, if it means just one woman out there gets justice, and if just one more woman won’t get raped because we couldn’t lock him up!” Amanda exploded before slamming the door, and leaving the precinct.

Olivia could only sit there in shock, questioning how she could have missed the signs.


	4. Chapter 4

Olivia huddled under the torn overhang covering the entrance Amanda’s apartment building, trying to figure out what she was going to say. She was baffled at how she had no idea what was the right thing to say, when she had clearly heard and responded to almost every kind of rape victimization admission. It wasn’t even like this was the first time it had been from a colleague or friend. It was however, the first time she’d not only failed to anticipate a confession, but also been presented with overwhelming evidence that something was amiss, and did nothing to investigate.

She felt like a failure both as a sex crimes detective, and more importantly, as a friend. How she possibly be so blind to Amanda’s suffering? Not only should her detective’s behavior been a red flag, but it was now obvious to Olivia that Amanda had hesitantly reached out, and Olivia had failed to pursue her hints. 

Amanda’s first hint had been years ago, during the Gia Eskas case. Olivia’s admission she’d been assaulted on the job prompted Amanda to confess she too had something happen while on the job, but that it “wasn’t worth pursuing.” Olivia questions why she let the comment go, never bringing it up again. Was it the way Amanda shut down and dismissed it? That in and of itself should have been a hint that it had seriously affected Amanda. 

Or perhaps she’d assumed it was “just an assault”, and that Amanda would be able to get over it, just as she had? This thought gives her more guilt, one- for ever thinking that any violation isn’t serious, and two- for not seeing that despite how similar they were (and God, they were alike, right down to trying to tough it out and being reluctant to ask for help), while she’d had El and the squad looking out for her, Amanda barely had anyone. 

And to be honest- Olivia hadn’t dealt with it as easily as she liked to portray- and maybe this was the real answer. In order to question Amanda, she would’ve been forced to hold a mirror to herself, and admit that it had not only deeply affected her, but continued to affect her to this day. As much as she sold the idea that “things do get better”, what lurks beneath is, “but they don’t ever go away completely.” 

Olivia’s been so deep in thought that she failed to realize the sun had set, and now the day that was bitingly cold has now become bone-chilling. Reluctantly she forces herself to push the button for the security system. A moment later Amanda’s voice crackles through, “Hello?”

“Hey Amanda, it’s Liv,” Olivia tries to sound more confident than she feels.

“What do you want, Sergeant?” Amanda asks, her voice now sharp.

Olivia doesn’t miss the formal address, the gap that Amanda is trying to force. She’s trying to push me away, Olivia notes to herself.

“I just want to talk Amanda. The way we left things at the station-,” Olivia trails off, unsure what combination of words will somehow convince Amanda to let her in.

“I just put Jesse down Liv. If this can wait-“ Amanda tries.

“It can’t. Please Amanda, I promise I won’t wake Jesse,” Olivia pleads.

“Fine,” is all the response Amanda gives before buzzing Olivia in. 

Olivia darts inside before Amanda has a chance to change her mind. When Amanda opens the door, she looks tired, and the redness around her eyes betrays her stoic front.

“Come in sarg,” Amanda says, stepping aside.

Olivia enters, taking a seat in the living room without a invitation, forcing Amanda to sit down as well. Amanda sits as far away as possible on the sofa across from Olivia’s chair, her body language clearly defensive.

“So…” Amanda breaks the awkward silence.

“I’m here because I care, Amanda,” Olivia starts.

“Okay…” Amanda replies, refusing to give Olivia an inch.

“You need help,” Olivia continues. Amanda tries to interrupt, but Olivia cuts her off, “What you’re going through now, you don’t have to do this alone.” 

“We’ve done this dance before Liv,” Amanda says with a sigh. “You make a speech, try to get me to go to your shrink, I don’t and royally piss you off. Can we just skip to the part where I say sorry, but no thanks, and we all move on? I’m a big girl, I can deal with this myself.”

“No you can’t Amanda!” Olivia raises her voice slightly, her emotion overwhelming her desire to keep quiet for the baby. “Just look at the past few weeks Amanda. Clearly you aren’t dealing. It’s affecting your job, and I know how much of a dedicated cop you are.”

Amanda is silent, biting her lip.

“You can’t do this alone because no one can,” Olivia continues when Amanda doesn’t respond. “Look- when I was assaulted in the prison, you think my first step was to tell the guys, and then the next day I was at my psychologist's? I resisted, I kept it to myself, just like you, thinking I was strong enough to deal on my own. I’m here, on the other side, telling you that I needed people who cared, people I could talk to, and so do you.”

Amanda’s eyes have started to glisten. “Who?” Amanda asks brokenly, with a shrug, turning away.

Olivia rises from her chair, and moves to sit next to Amanda, her movements gentle so not to startle Amanda. 

“Me,” Olivia answers, softly placing a hand on Amanda’s knee.

Amanda turns to her, tears now making their way down her face.

“Liv- I can’t-“ Amanda stumbles on her words, haphazardly trying to reject Olivia’s offer.

“Yes, you can, Amanda. You can talk to me. I know I haven’t been the best friend, or even the best partner but I’m here now, and I care. Please let me make up for my mistake, and finally be here for you. God knows, I should have been here for you back when you first admitted something happened on the job. You needed someone to listen then, and you still do,” Olivia pleads.

Amanda does something she swore she’d never do around anyone- she breaks down. From deep inside her chest comes a heart-wrenching sob. Slowly the sound makes it out of her body as she begins to shake, her body refusing to keep it in a second longer. Olivia gently pulls her into her arms, muttering calming assurances as she rubs Amanda’s back.

“Just let it out. It’s okay. You’ve kept this locked up for so long, it’s okay let it out now,” Olivia adds amid her gentle soothing. And Amanda finally does. She cries, deeply, sobs wracking her body. She lets Olivia hold her, lets her see her vulnerability. Finally all the years unravel into this- two women, a little worse for the wear perhaps, but survivors- finally letting each other in.


End file.
